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xx Alien hunters are just taking up space
« Thread started on: Nov 7th, 2003, 5:02pm »

Alien hunters are just taking up space

By Peter Chianca / At Large
Friday, November 7, 2003

You've probably read by now that experts predict they'll make contact with intelligent alien life by 2025. Given that, I'd like to take this public forum to express what I consider to be an important and relevant thought:

ATTENTION ALIENS! I hereby renounce my earthly governments and submit to your subjugation! Please do not fry me with your death ray lasers!

There, I feel better.

Now, I know there will be some people who will say I'm overreacting. After all, why would intelligent alien beings fly millions of light years just to fry us with death ray lasers? The answer of course being, "Because they can." Duh.

I guess I can't blame the scientists, who hope the aliens will be able to answer complicated questions that are currently beyond our comprehension, such as, "Why do we keep spending millions of dollars on all these telescopes?" But if they don't realize that attracting the attention of space aliens could be
dangerous, they haven't seen enough movies featuring characters named "Gort."

I'm also nervous that the scientists say the first alien encounter could be with a super-intelligent machine. If you ask me, this may have already happened - if you were an advanced alien race looking to conquer an inferior planet, what would you send ahead? That's right, iPods.

Granted, there's a small chance the aliens may not be belligerent. Maybe they'll be just like Chewbacca in "Star Wars," who spoke in cute little growls, and in "Return of the Jedi" got so excited by the sight of raw meat that he wound up getting trapped by a bunch of little Ewoks. (That this guy could co-pilot
the Millennium Falcon always amazed me; that's like letting your golden retriever drive your Audi.)

But beyond the chance that the aliens could be violent, there are other dangers. For instance, what if they're better looking than us? Earthlings, particularly American earthlings, would not take well to being subjugated by aliens who looked like George Clooney and Catherine Zeta-Jones; at least if they had
grotesquely large heads and scales we'd be able to feel superior about our skin tone as they prepared us for transport to the dilithium crystal mines.

Or what if they want to harvest natural resources that are only available on earth, like our reality TV contestants? I say we have them all prepped and waiting on the top of the Empire State Building, just in case.

Of course, this whole announcement could just be a publicity stunt After all, it happens to coincide exactly with the re-release of the movie "Alien." This is the movie series that features aliens who don't help answer complicated scientific questions so much as pop out of people's chests, turn into giant mutant bugs and disembowel people with their pointy tails. On the plus
side, they don't wear silver jumpsuits. Those are just silly.

But if the prediction is for real, I should reiterate that I don't mean to be critical of the scientists who are searching for aliens, which they're being paid good grant money to do. I'm just wondering: Do you think our government - you know, the government that can't find WMDs in Iraq - is capable of
protecting us from a fleet of marauding interstellar warships?

ATTENTION ALIENS! You know where to find me.

Peter Chianca is a managing editor for Community Newspaper Company. He is currently working on a giant model of a mountain made of mashed potatoes - not because he had a vision or anything; he just really likes mashed potatoes.
E-mail him at, or visit
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